I used to have a life. I used to be able to go out when I wanted to and wander the shops. I could go to movies and out to supper. I could play board games and wake up late. I could meet my friends at a moments notice.
I used to be someone. I had a job and I was good at it. I had authority. I made a difference. I had somewhere I had to be and people who counted on me. I mattered.
Now my life is ruled by Tim’s stomach and Peter’s mood. My entire life revolves around my children. I plan jobs that don’t get done; I see friends rarely; I have been reduced to being a milk bar.
And it is hard. It is difficult to feel stuck in the rut of motherhood; difficult to say that I feel as if I have disappeared and my dreams have vanished in the sleepless nights. I know that I am blessed to have my family, blessed to have my boys, blessed to be able to stay home with them. That does not change the fact that it is hard.
One of the hardest things about feeling this way, is the realisation that I got my significance from the wrong place. I wasn’t someone because of my job; my friends didn’t make me someone. I was someone because God made me in His image. I was not significant because I had authority or because I made people’s lives better. I was significant because God called me His own and asked me to honour Him.
And that has not changed.
I am someone. I am God’s child, made in His image and made to do the good works He has planned for me. Right now those good works involve being Tim’s milk bar and getting regularly covered in spit up.
I am significant. God made me as He wanted me. He put me here for a purpose, He planned my days. Right now that purpose is to keep Peter fed and happy and healthy. Right now my days revolve around the changing needs of a 21 month old.
It is hard to remember that; hard to have an eternal perspective and not get caught up in the everyday sameness. It is hard to not feel overshadowed, overlooked and lost in the needs of others. It is hard to feel like I am someone, that my life is significant. I pray that we will keep remembering it isn’t what we do that makes us someone, it isn’t who we are which gives us significance. My value comes from what God says about me. And He loves me enough to send His Son to die for me that through Him I might have eternal life.