I have been reading a book called ‘A Praying Life’ by Paul E Miller. It is all about how to incorporate prayer into our daily lives; how to prayer more; Biblical prayer etc. It is really interesting and I have been learning a lot. He speaks of the fact that the more anxious, over whelmed, not coping we are – the more we should be praying. The very fact that we do not have life under control and that we recognize our weakness, should push us more and more to God in prayer and make us all the more reliant on Him. Paul Miller says at one point that ‘learned desperation is at the heart of a praying life.’ I thought quite a bit about this concept and this phrase and wondered how to implement this in my life.
On Sunday night we got back from a wonderful weekend away, without the boys, to discover our chest freezer was switched off at the wall and everything was defrosted and had to be thrown away. Monday was a crazy busy day with work and family etc. Peter has been throwing tantrums of note and everything is a problem and needs tears and screams and it is exhausting. Tuesday after work I got loads of admin done, all that I hadn’t done on Monday and then some; including posting all the papers for mine and Tim’s British passports which had been hanging over me. I got home and Peter was screaming and screaming and crying; I realised I had forgotten to send the photos with all the other things I had posted and I would have to courier them separately and in the middle of cooking tuna stir fry for supper I went to the cupboard and we had no tuna. At this point Tim waddles into the kitchen crying and wanting to be picked up and a very specific waft is coming off him and I know what I am going to find.
While I was changing his nappy, trying to wipe him clean and keep him from rolling off the change table at the same time – the words learned desperation floated into my head. At that moment I offered one of the purest, most heartfelt prayers I have ever prayed – HELP! Lord, I don’t know what to do with Peter, I am overwhelmed with all I need to do/have not done right/am failing at and I need your help.
It didn’t automatically get easier – I still had to hold Tim down to do up the nappy. I still had to make a plan for supper and I still had a screaming toddler. Today was just as difficult. I had to rush from dropping Peter to the clinic to the class moms meeting to the retirement village. I was late for everything. A few of my patients today were in depth and complicated, not just medically but ethically and emotionally as well. It was a long, hard day. But I coped really well – at least to begin with. I prayed A LOT – I felt my desperation and turned it over to God. By 10 am though, I had forgotten and things got a bit more difficult, I got a bit (lot) more grumpy, the day took more of a toll.
I am still learning to be desperate. It is a difficult lesson but a good one. I pray that you might all become desperate too and that the desperation would drive you to God so that life would not be quite so desperate and tough. Happy learning!