Still waters

Still waters run deep. This is not usually an expression used to describe me. It is almost the exact opposite of what I am. My mind runs at about 100 thoughts a minute. Even when life appears together; my mind is probably all over the place. I think of all the possible outcomes and even some of the impossible ones. Here is a brief glance into my thoughts…

Tim doesn’t drink from a bottle cos I never thought he needed to but now I want to do a course and it is the whole day so what will happen to Tim? Do I have to wait for him to be older? Is it wrong that I feel resentful of that? We have started porridge for him, is it too soon? What happens if he suddenly decides he doesn’t want to breastfeed anymore? He doesn’t take a bottle so he won’t get enough to drink, he will stop growing, will he end up with rickets or osteoporosis or some other problem because I never gave him a bottle at 6 weeks?

And don’t get me started on all my thoughts about Peter and his sleeping habits and what I tell myself about my discipline or lack thereof. And then there are all the complexities of my wife and housekeeping duties and work and all other aspects of life. I know its crazy. But tell me how to switch it off.

Please. Because I don’t know how.

But today a funny thing happened. I decided to stop fighting. I decided it’s OK to not have it all together. I decided it is alright that my jobs aren’t all done. And nothing changed. The jobs weren’t getting done anyway; life wasn’t together anyway. Nothing externally changed.

Except I sat near our window and looked out. I saw the sun shining and the green grass and the pigeons chasing each other. I sat and realised two things.

Firstly, the world did not come to an end because I stopped fighting to reach the impossible goals I set for myself. War did not break out because I stopped trying to do everything and do it perfectly. It is still a beautiful autumn day.

Secondly, I feel at peace. I don’t got this. I don’t know the answers. I can’t win all the fights. BUT God has this; He knows the answers and when the time is right He will show them to me. He has this. So my soul can rest in Him.

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

May you find your rest and peace. May the depths of your hearts and souls find stillness.